I know this
may shock some of you, but I went out on a run this morning and had many
thoughts stirring around in my head. And when I returned home, I knew I had to
sit down and get all my word vomit out in another blog. So please excuse the
disjointed ideas about to be thrown around. I am merely trying to process my
own mental state. Wish me luck!
I have been
greatly humbled by a realization that struck out of the impeding darkness.
Recently, I have found myself unknowingly causing some minor self-destruction. I
have spoken of this before, but the battle rages on, so to speak. I have
stopped recording all the food I eat in my daily journal in an effort to just
take a “chill pill” and relax a bit. It is one of those things that, unlike
actually going running, is not necessary for my success and therefore when it
became an exhausting, depressing burden I eliminated it. What a relief!
Obviously, I am still a proud Paleo’er but I am no longer documenting the food I
eat throughout the day. After a few days of blissful “freedom” I found myself
planning my next course of action on the food front. I won’t go into details
here but let me just say that I started seeing my own red flags immediately.
What the hell!?!?! I can’t seem to let this obsession go, no matter what I try.
And it is actually starting to piss me off.
Now let’s
switch gears for a moment. As an aspiring elite athlete, I am striving to be
the best I can be in every aspect of my life. That means training well and
smart, getting enough sleep, keeping stress to a minimum, and eating right.
Notice anything missing from that list? I do. It seems like I am focusing on
taking the best care of my body, but missing the other, crucial element: my
mind. And not only am I not making much of an effort to train my mind, but all
this food business has brought to the surface a lot of self-esteem issues I either
denied or was unaware of plaguing my mind. Truly yucky! Did you know that the
company Asics is actually an acronym for a Latin phrase meaning “a sound mind
in a sound body?” Well they seem to have their priorities straight when it
comes to distance running. I would argue that your mind is capable of achieving
much more than your physical body. And I am embarrassed, as a serious distance
runner, to admit that I have ignored this critical part of preparation in the
past few months. I have been seeking confidence and reassurance in ALL the
wrong places; clearly not paying enough attention to my mental state to see
that I have been slowly tearing myself down, rather than building myself up.
In general I
blame many self-esteem issues on Western society for the sickening standards it
has set for young women. But truthfully, I am my own person and therefore have
to take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. I find I compare myself
to others far too often and then judge myself based off of those observations. I
know I am not alone in this struggle and will not be the last to succumb to
self criticism and judgment. Am I depressing anyone yet? Lol, let me turn to a
happier note…
I love being
happy. I love running happy. And anyone who knows me can tell you that I race
best when I am literally HAPPY! I have raced better sick and happy, than in
peak physical condition but stressed. That should be a huge light bulb for me;
that my mental attitude is probably the most important part of my running. How
could I have forgotten…? (Sigh). In light of my current situation, something
recently clicked into place illuminating that my obsessive compulsions, my own
way of gaining confidence, were actually doing the opposite and seeking happiness
is far more important for me. My coach recently told me to not get too hung up
in all the diet stuff. I smiled and replied of course not. I thought to myself,
I have a strong mind that can weather the storms and battle on. But it’s not
always about fighting on, sometimes it is about letting go. And now, what I
think he actually meant was to just take a step back and relax. He could see
it. I denied it. The more days passed, the more tense I got, and tried to reign
in the things I could control. Phew, it is truly exhausting. Just breathe.
Smile. Laugh. Run. Does it come as a surprise to anyone that this past month my
shoulders got so tight they literally hurt while running, and no, I was not
doing some sort of amazing acrobatic hand-stand running. Oh my gosh people! All
the signs were glaring me in the face and I just averted my eyes and whistled
on.
So I find myself just a few days out from the
USA Cross Country National Chapmionships realizing that I am going into this
race with excellent physical preparation, but perhaps a less than ideal mental
state. Well that just won’t do. I don’t want to deny my goals for the race, but
at the same time, I want to focus on running like I did this past summer, worry
and stress free. I had low performance expectations and a very relaxed attitude
towards competition. I wasn’t quite so caught up in eating, and training, and
being perfect. Just gotta go out there, do my best, and have fun! The results
were phenomenal! Granted, those were local Colorado races, not quite the same
level of competition as National USATF races. But that really shouldn’t matter,
or at least not to me. If I race best when happy and relaxed, then I need to
find a way to be happy and relaxed in both local races and the Olympic trials.
If I am the only person I am worrying about then, really, those two race
settings should feel no different. So instead of looking at this upcoming race
as a huge deal and a big opportunity I need to take advantage of by performing
well, I am going to strive to practice MY peak mental state: happy and relaxed.
I want to run MY race and the results
will fall as they fall.
I want to
race with a smile on my face and a smile in my heart.
e.
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