I just read a blog I wrote back in January about how I wanted to relax and have more fun with running. Hmm, seems my own insightful realizations slip easily out of my mind. That is unfortunate because I have just experienced the same realization. You know what, running is just running. It isn't anybody's life on the line, it isn't my future at stake, it isn't even my next paycheck. Running is something I am good at, something that I love to do. Nothing more than that. So why do I make it into this HUGE deal?
Why should I even worry about my race results?
Because they show progress? Because they prove I am "fast"? Because they are a measurable result I can use to compare myself against others?
Which proves what? It doesn't prove that I'm a better person. It doesn't prove that I'm successful. Maybe it proves I am fit. I decided that more than anything else, a race reflects the emotional state of an athlete. Well if that is the case, I am wasting my time with this running stuff and need to be out enjoying life a little more. Maybe then I'll run faster.
I think it is a big red flag when a 35 minute run makes me feel as if my world has gone up in flame and smoke. The thought of that happening as a result of a second run from my house is extremely laughable. Yet, it is essentially the same thing. It is 35 minutes of running. Sure a race is faster, sure a race has spectators and competitors, sure it may be in a "special place," sure a race hurts more, but at the core, it is still just another run. To have a response like I did makes me think I have lost sight of why I am running. Racing is an intense experience that peels back all those layers of who we think we are to expose us in our most raw state. You might think I am crazy for seeking out such experiences and even more so for actually enjoying them, but they allow us to get to know ourselves in a very unique way. Anyone can go through the motions of training, but to race well, you must be truly at peace with life.
I have proved to myself time and time again that I race best when I am running for the pure joy of the run, with no expectations and no limitations. If I am aware of this fact, why is it so hard to let go and simply run for pleasure? Probably because most runners I know are control ridden souls who feel the tighter they pull everything in, the more predictable things will be, thus the more things will go to plan, and will yield the results they desire (and this is the formula for happiness). Now I am thinking of the Joker in Batman. His whole purpose is to mess with "the plan." See this link: According to Plan. He just likes chaos. I'm not saying we all have to like chaos. But I am saying that things very rarely go according to plan; so why waste so much energy reining it all in when life will happen as it happens with or without my help? And why put so much emotional stock in something I have so little control over?
I have learned that I cannot rely on my races to motivate me and inspire my satisfaction with running. I must find the motivation and satisfaction in running myself; then, and only then, can I race free of burdens and baggage. There have been times when I have fulfilled this attitude, but those days are in the past. Running has grown like a vile weed to consume every aspect of my life, leaving me little freedom. It is no one's fault but mine. And therefore I am the only one who can fix it. I need to take a step back and remember why I am doing this.
From here out, I am going to strive to enjoy life more. And that includes running. I am not training every day to merely take one more step closer to achieving my goals. I am running every day because I love to run, no matter what the end result may be. And I will be spending more time doing other, non-running related things that also bring joy to my life.
Most importantly (at least right now) I am going to remember that races are just tiny little events in the grand scheme of running. They probably make up less than .1% of my time as a runner. And there is no reason something so small should have such a strong impact on my overall well being. Lets forget about the results, turn the self-imposed pressure cooker off, and stop trying to force this. The only thing that truly matters to me in the long run, is that I am happy in life. And that is something that is completely within my control.
e.
Oh and I almost forgot, bad races are still going to happen. But they are just bad races, nothing more.
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