Finding the Fight

100 calorie snack packs are the stupidest invention. Some people have such a delusional view of what is “healthy.” It’s not just about counting calories. And 100 calories snack packs promote that idea that if one limits the amount of calories they eat, they will be healthy. Inaccurate. Of course I’m sitting here on the plane and was just handed a 100 calories snack pack, which really brought this whole issue up. And I’ll probably eat my 100 calories worth of little shortbread cookies (not Paleo, I know, but free food is free food). But that doesn’t change the fact that I think these little snack packs are engineered for people who are too lazy to actually think about what they are putting into their body. Does anyone really want to hear about my rant on 100 calorie snack packs? Probably not. End rant and begin enlightening insight on life. Maybe.

So my blog is actually getting viewed. Can’t guarantee it is being read, but somewhere out there, people are at least following the link. Which is cool I guess. I don’t know who these people may be, and really there aren’t that many. But certainly more than I have had in the past. I suppose it helps when I am actually producing something to read, which is the point of a blog after all. Then again, maybe Jake is just opening the link over and over again to make me feel better about myself. If anyone is reading this, I suppose I should say thank you for taking a few minutes out of your life to read my ramblings on about things. I hope the things I post about are interesting(ish) and worth your time. Sometimes I think I am just chatting on with myself here and then am surprised to remember I am throwing this out on the internet for anyone to read.

As I mentioned before, I am sitting here on a plane flying to San Jose, California. We are headed to the Stanford Invitational, we being Allie, Laura, Sean, and I. I feel like a little bird that has left the nest because our coach, Lee, isn’t traveling with us. Not a big deal, but this is the first time I have traveled to a race out of Colorado without a coach. I guess that isn’t including the time I went to Foot Locker Regionals in high school, but my family was with me then. I just feel so grown up! 24 going on 40 you know? Actually not really. But it is sort of cool to be off on our own. (Don’t take that the wrong way Lee, if you are reading this!!!) There are also four CSU athletes who are on our flight: Spenser, Monte, Kaitlin, and Sarah. They are traveling with their assistant coach, who is new to the program this year. It is a little weird seeing old teammates and a new coach when I no longer compete for CSU. I was going to say I am no longer a ram, but I will always be a ram at heart! Anyways, it is actually mostly cool, seeing people I ran with in college. It makes me think back to when I was still in school and honestly I never thought I would be where I am today, running wise. I sincerely hope I will be able to say that again in 5 years looking back on now. But for the time being, I am focusing on the present.

Looking to the past usually fills me with good memories, but also reminds me that, only one year out of school, I am not the same runner I was back then. I have run at Stanford several times before, but I have never been going with the agenda I currently have. Actually, if you take my goal 10k pace, but cut the race in half (aka 5k), that was always my GOAL 5k time all through college. And let me tell you folks, I never even got within 15 seconds of that time. Crazy to think how far I have come. That I can sit here and casually think about running faster than my 5k PR - twice. I only say casually because I’m not freaking out about it. Yes, it will be very hard, but this is where I am now.  I know I keep saying it, but I am definitely due for a few big track PR’s and then we can hopefully work on getting even faster. Except now we are talking years, not weeks. Sometimes it is really hard to remember that I am young, I am still developing. I want it all right now! And who doesn’t?

The journey though is probably the most important part when it comes to differentiating between different levels of running. Through years of training and racing, one gains the maturity needed to compete with the best. And I am talking both physical and mental. Everyone takes a different path yet probably learns similar lessons. We are all fighting the same fight: the one against ourselves. Ironically, at this point in time I feel like I’m actually struggling to compete with others. I am not satisfied with the attitude that crops up during most of my races. I could call it passive, or indifferent, really I feel like I’m settling. In competition, I don’t want to be rationalizing why it is ok if this girl beats me by telling myself I am already trying my hardest, doing my best. Is one of my greatest strengths actually a weakness? I am finally able to cope with the stress of racing by telling myself all I can do is my best, but do I even know what my best is? I think not. I want to challenge myself to compete harder against the people around me because it will make me a better runner. I know I don’t have the fastest finishing kick, but I want to outkick someone dammit!

One time, back in college, we were running indoor conference at the University of New Mexico. I was running the 3k. It was the second day, so most of us had already run the 5k the day before. Odds were not in my favor. The 3k is a quick race, and I tend to be a little slower on the leg speed, plus I was tired from racing the 5k. But I didn’t panic; I went into the race with one simple goal, to compete as hard as I could. Guess what? I got third (the highest place I have ever finished in any conference track championship indoors or outdoors). And I got third by out kicking a girl from BYU who was probably a lot faster than me on paper. It was one of the best races of my college career, and one of the races I am most proud of. Oh did I mention I was also sick? See, there is solid proof, I can be fast if I want to. Where is it hiding? I feel like my mind has locked that fight away and now I have to find the key. I have to break free.

The thing is, I have been producing fairly decent results as the girl who got beat. At this level, there are still so many people who are better than me, I’m not going to be competing for first place. But that doesn’t mean I should turn off all competitive drive and merely settle for an average place and an average time. I am better than that. I want to finish my races feeling proud of my fight, not only my result. So this upcoming race is a great opportunity for me to just compete with the girls around me. I want to walk off that track feeling like I proved to everyone on that day, in that race, I was better than the girls I beat. Not that I just happened to meander onto the start line and just happened to finish in front of a few people. I want to battle and I want to win. If I can manage to do that, I guarantee I will run fast.

e.